Complete Surrender

Spiritually, I am lost.

I know where I am headed...

And I have lost my way.

Blinded by temptation.

Misguided by my own misunderstanding

Of what this life is supposed to look like.

I am on my knees, God.

At Your feet.

Begging for forgiveness.

Father, I have sinned against You.

I'm not sure how to make it right.

I give You my life.

I put my life and all that I have in Your hands.

I have nothing.

It all belongs to You.

Jesus, I need You.

Reign in me.

Hold me.

Love me.

I am crying out Your name, Jesus.

Show me that I can find peace in You.

You are all I have.

You are all I need.

I surrender all of me to You.

Jesus, I desire to be somebody special in Your eyes. I want to have value to You, and nobody else. Nothing else matters. God, I want to be free of me and filled with You. I want to find my worth in You, God. As Your daughter, I want to see the beauty of me through You. Father, when I was lost, You found me. You swept me off my feet, held me close, and carried me home. It was against Your will that I ran the wrong direction, and wondered away from the safety of Your arms. It is in Your arms that I cry tears of joy because You found me. And now, it is at Your feet that I weep, and rejoice at the same time, Lord. I weep because I have sinned against You, and I rejoice because though I'm unworthy, You love me and hold me in Your arms. I am asking for Your forgiveness, God. I have sinned. I ran away from You, God, when what I really wanted was to rest in Your arms. Father, I seek nothing but You, for it is in nothing of this world that I can find the joys that You bring me. Provider. Defender. Shelter. Creator. Healer. Father. It is in none but You that I give my all. Father, I give You all that I have. It was but two years ago that I accepted You as King of all Kings. Creator of all things. Master of all beings. It was but just a month ago that I accepted You as my Father. The Man who will love me for me. The One who loves me unconditionally, forever and always. It was not until today, though, that I surrender my soul to You. Everything I cling on to. Everything I find value in, God, I give to You. This is not my life to live, Jesus. It is for You to live through me. Relationships I have built with people, God, are not my own. Everything that I once called "mine" God, belongs to You. Without hesitation, I give You all that You have blessed me with. Yes, You have put these things in my possession to love and care for; however, I do not take ownership. God, may I seek You in all that I do, from this day forth. Whether in worship at church, or on the bus ride to school, God, may my heart be set on You. May I set out to please no one but You. You are all the approval that I need. Father, I ask that You show Yourself through each and every moment of my life, from this day forth. Jesus, I dedicate all of my life to You. Every breath I breathe for You. Every sight I see for You. Everything I do, I do for You. Jesus, I sacrifice my way of living, so that You can live through me. Jesus, You are all I need.

Merry Christmas :)

Throughout the years, Christmas has always been my cousin, sister, Papa, and I, waking up super early to cook some food!! It has always been Papa cooking, and Grandma complaining that the food is taking too long. Christmas has always meant Uncle showing up late to the table because he had to work. Christmas has always been Shelly in the shower, and everyone else in the kitchen. Christmas has always meant food, presents, a day of sweet silence, and an extra can of olives!! In my family, Christmas has always been about family, and presents, and having the perfect holiday (even though it was never that). This year, there is no tree in the living room, no Baby Jesus on the table. There’s no Christmas lights, or even trips to Mt. Charleston. This year, we have each other. Christmas came so, incredibly fast this year, and I must admit, my family was not all that prepared. We weren’t prepared to attend an amazing church service, or buy and pass out presents. We weren’t prepared to put up a tree (the same tree we’ve used as long as I can remember), and watch as the lights change from green, to red, to purple, and so on. Even as I write this, I must admit to myself that I am not ready for Christmas. God has placed so many new, different, and life changing things in the lives of my family, and no matter how frustrating, heart-breaking, and time consuming these things have been, I am so thankful. Thankful to know that God loves me, and my family so much that He has, and continues, to work wonders in our lives!! Thankful to know that I serve a God who gives me every day activities, and allows me to make a difference with them. God has done so much in my life and the lives of my loved ones, and whether my family knows it or not, I’m somehow convinced that that is what my family has been so focused on. I strongly believe that God has had my family busy with so many things, and that is why it seems as though none of us are prepared for Christmas. However, I am happy to say that this weekend my family is coming together (or will do our best to come together) to celebrate the life of Jesus. Without a tree, and without boxes, and bags of presents to pass around, I am determined to celebrate this holiday; to celebrate such a blessing with the ones I love the most. God is great, and continues to show me, in so many ways, that in all the craziness of life, I can find peace in Him. I can always count on knowing that God is right by my side in all that I do. As I celebrate Christmas this year, I am reminded of His love and am so thankful to be His daughter!!

Merry Christmas,

Keisha :)

Far More Than Fine

It is our go-to adjective. When we are asked "How are you?" we answer "I am fine". Most of the time we are far from it; far from fine, dipping ourselves over the crevice of bad and lost. However, we are too afraid to admit that.

“I believed in you, so I said, ‘I am deeply troubled, Lord.’ ” Ps 116:10

So often we tell the lie of fine to the people in our life, but how often do we say it to God? How does that above verse play out in our own messy and sticky lives?

“I believed in you, so I said, ‘I’ am fine, Lord.’ “ 

We are such funny and confusing beings. We believe the Lord who whispered the world into motion can not bare to handle our emotions. That somehow our whispers of, im deeply troubled Lord, will somehow trouble Him.

Our being real starts with being real with our Creator. Our onslaught against the word fine, against the lies it tells starts with not lying to the One who always knows.

Last night I curl under my covers and I let my heart beat. I whisper into the night, please give more strength, courage, love, time. Please allow me to be honest with the people who know me, let the lifeblood cover me and make me white as snow.

I tell Him it all; all of my emotions, the emotions that don't fall anywhere near fine.

I don't pretend to smile or say it's okay because I believe in Him, the maker of heaven and earth.

Not being fine is a step of faith. What father would turn away from their hurt child? Some, but  not our Father. Not the Lord.

I can hear the rain outside as I allow my body to drift to sleep. I'm not afraid because grace has covered me and I know that He knows everything beyond the word fine.

The sweetest of all miracles is not that I believe in Him.

It's that He believes in me.

All of me.

I like you; I am like you

I like you already, and I dont even know you yet.

I like you, you wondrous, amazing you.

I like the you who is browsing around for deep peace, astounding truth and true beauty.

I like you, the one who is hunting for a corner of joy in this messy world. Looking for a little peace. waiting for the grace to rain down.

I like you because I am one of you.

I've been down messy and dark roads that lead to unknown places. roads that I thought would lead to joy and just ended in pain.

I have skeletons in my closet and secrets that I dont dare share with the outside world for fear of the real me being shared. secrets I keep deep so I can present myself as being at peace.

I'm a mess to be honest. And I'm okay with that, because grace is ever so amazing. I know what it's like searching for truth, I know what it's like to make mistakes you can never recover from.

I write unspoken words every day. I share with myself, over and over about my families struggles, the alcoholism that plagues people in my life, the sexual sins that have seeped into places I said they would never go. I write these words; these words I have written have always set me free, they have renewed me.

My words matter, and the only words that speak truth are His. The words of our holy Creator. The words I strive to live for.

Each day I etch words onto blank pages. Words that share my wondrous messy, not so holy, and grace filled life.

It is pure joy and grace that I am walking this life with you all.

I like each one of you because in some way we are all the same.

A Letter to God

Thank You so much for the grace, joy and thanksgiving all of which brings our salvation.

Thank You for Your outpouring of grace in these last few days; this grace takes my breath away.

Tonight, I'd like someone to share my secrets with, someone who would understand. Someone who will listen to my words.

You have sent me so many signs these last few days, and I feel overjoyed to be your daughter. I was ever so sad and You brought me so much light in my life, and I am so grateful.

How lovely to be in Your kingdom Father.

He Knows...

I'm laying there and the words don't come. "Life is just too hard." is what I keep thinking.

The words i want to say don't seem strong enough, the syllables seem so weak compared to what is on my heart.

I breathe and make each breath a prayer to Him.

I cry and each tear is a replication of my pain being brought to Him.

I let my heartbeats sing a song; a lifesong.

Even in the silence, in the pauses, in the crazy uncertainty and messy life i bring to His feet. He knows.

He knows what i need.

He knows me. He knows you.

You may be reading this in a broken state without words that can explain your pain. Remember though, He knows what is spoken between the lines. He knows the whispers of each heart beat. He answers with love and righteousness.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. Psalm 139:4

One Day Your Prince Will Come

1 Timothy 3:1-10 says:

“Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment of the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of deep truths of faith with a clear conscience. They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.”

-True Images: The Bible for Teen Girls

Guys, whoa. That's a lot of expectations, right? Well answer me this, “Why lower your standards?”

Girls, same goes for you. Why lower your standards for the man that you wish to spend your life with? Why do so many of us girls go against what God wants for us? Why do so many of us settle for less than the image of God? So many of us, myself included, have settled for the drinkers, the beaters, the cheaters, the liars, the disrespectful, the untrustworthy, the violent, the haters, the unbelievers, the insincere, and the dishonest, and then, when the relationship is over, we cry out to God and ask “Why?”. Why didn't it work out, God? Why did I fall so hard for someone, only to be hurt in the end? And I truly, honestly believe that if you listened to God with all of your heart, His response would be, “Because he is not what I want for my daughter.” God would hold you in His arms, and show you the kind of gentle love that you deserve.

Not all of us may have experienced this in real life still, we have all seen it in movies. --The over-protective dad wanting nothing but the best for his little girl, and the stubborn, rebellious daughter that goes against everything that her father wants for her. Why does she do this? Maybe because she thinks she knows what is best for her. Maybe because she honestly thinks she is in love with whoever it is that she is with. Or maybe because she is seeking love. So many times (I will be the first to testify) us girls feel, think, and believe that the man who is the father-figure in our lives does not love us much as we wish he did. We think that he expects too much from us, and he expects a perfection that we just cannot be, and we settle for the temporary love of someone who is willing to not love the little imperfections of our lives, and deal with them for as long as they decide to, instead. Well, if you are reading this, and you feel that way about the father figure in your life, ask yourself this, “Why should I settle for anything less than all that I can be?” That is all he wants for you. -The best.

For those girls that do not have a physical father-figure in their life, than let that father-figure be God. He is your Father. He wants the best for you. He knows you more than you know yourself. He loves you, and will hold you when you cry. He will comfort you on your bad days, and will lift you up when you are down. Those who have a physical father-figure and a love-relationship with God have no more than those who do not have a physical father-figure and do have a love-relationship with God. Then, think about all that God wants for you. He wants nothing but the best for you, and does not, by all means, want you to settle for any boy that is less than the image of Himself.

No. None of us are going to find a love as strong as His. We will though, at some point in our lives, find the man that God has sent to love us with all of his heart and soul. We will find the man that God has made for no love other than our own, and will love us unconditionally. We will find the man that God has perfected specifically for us. We must be patient, though. We must know that God will lead our “Prince Charming” to us when He knows that our hearts are ready and strong enough to handle the hardships of being in a serious relationship with the man that He has sent for us.

In the mean time, while you wait for your Prince, save yourself. Save yourself physically, and emotionally. Do not give in to sexual temptation because the price you will pay for may be too much to handle. Too much for your fragile, little hearts. Do not give in to sexual temptation, and know that the reward for that is much greater than you can imagine. Do not give away your love to boys/men that will not appreciate you in the ways that you deserve because when you come to your senses, and realize that the “love” in your relationship was not genuine or honest, the price to pay for that may also be too much to handle. Also, God knows that we make mistakes, and He knows that we are not perfect. He knows the mistakes we will make before we do, and He has forgiven us. Even though God knows that we make mistakes, and He knows that we are not perfect, and will fall time and time again, we cannot use His forgiveness as an excuse to make mistakes, and fall without getting back up. Remember that He knows your heart, and He knows your intentions; make sure they are good. AND even with the best intentions, we can make the worst mistakes.

In conclusion, remember that your Prince is out there. He is out there, longing to find your love, just as you are longing to find his. Until God brings the two of you together, focus on God and your relationship with Him. Love Him the way you long to love your Prince. Trust me, you will save yourself a lifetime of hurt, and will be rewarded with a lifetime of unconditional, everlasting, unfailing love.