It is our go-to adjective. When we are asked "How are you?" we answer "I am fine". Most of the time we are far from it; far from fine, dipping ourselves over the crevice of bad and lost. However, we are too afraid to admit that.
“I believed in you, so I said, ‘I am deeply troubled, Lord.’ ” Ps 116:10
So often we tell the lie of fine to the people in our life, but how often do we say it to God? How does that above verse play out in our own messy and sticky lives?
“I believed in you, so I said, ‘I’ am fine, Lord.’ “
We are such funny and confusing beings. We believe the Lord who whispered the world into motion can not bare to handle our emotions. That somehow our whispers of, im deeply troubled Lord, will somehow trouble Him.
Our being real starts with being real with our Creator. Our onslaught against the word fine, against the lies it tells starts with not lying to the One who always knows.
Last night I curl under my covers and I let my heart beat. I whisper into the night, please give more strength, courage, love, time. Please allow me to be honest with the people who know me, let the lifeblood cover me and make me white as snow.
I tell Him it all; all of my emotions, the emotions that don't fall anywhere near fine.
I don't pretend to smile or say it's okay because I believe in Him, the maker of heaven and earth.
Not being fine is a step of faith. What father would turn away from their hurt child? Some, but not our Father. Not the Lord.
I can hear the rain outside as I allow my body to drift to sleep. I'm not afraid because grace has covered me and I know that He knows everything beyond the word fine.
The sweetest of all miracles is not that I believe in Him.
It's that He believes in me.
All of me.
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